Making Room at the Table

Imagine a new family moves onto the block. To be friendly, the next-door neighbor invites the family for a Shabbos lunch. Shabbos arrives, and as the guests walk through the door, the hostess gently says, “You know, it’s customary to send a little gift along before Shabbos when you’re invited out.”

A while later, one of the guest’s young children announces that he hates the gefilte fish. So the hostess helpfully informs the guest that her child has bad manners and should be taught how to refuse food politely. Then she instructs her own child not to learn from this young visitor. “Nothing personal, you know,” she tells the guest. “We just don’t want him to pick up any bad habits.”

After the meal, the conversation flows in various directions. The father of the visiting family – an avid follower of local politics -- brings up the recent school-board elections. The host interrupts quickly to enlighten the guest: “This isn’t really an appropriate topic for the Shabbos table,” he softly advises.

Welcome to the Family
If the guests pursued this relationship any further, it would be a remarkable testimony to the power of forgiveness. In reality, the scenario described seems so preposterous as to be unthinkable. But if we were to put ourselves in the shoes of our imaginary guests, we’d start feel what a newly- observant person frequently feels as he entering the religious community.

What happens after someone makes the critical decision , “Yes, I want to be religious. This is what I want for my life”? In making this decision, he changes everything. He is knocking down and completely rebuilding the infrastructure of his life.

Family: He will no longer be able to dine at family member’s non-kosher homes. He’ll be under tremendous pressure when faced with mixed-marriage weddings, Bar Mitzvah services in non-Orthodox shuls, non-kosher Pesach seders and holiday (even Jewish holiday) meals. He’ll probably hear, “What’s the matter, aren’t we good enough for you anymore?” many times —from the people who are, or were, nearest and dearest to him.

Career: By refraining from working on Shabbos, he risks resistance and pressure, possibly jeopardizing opportunities for advancement. He may even be forced to find a new career if his is incompatible with religious life. His limited vacation days will be consumed by Yomim Tovim. He will no longer be able to freely interact and socialize with his co-workers and clients, and he can expect many awkward situations to arise.

Appearance: Whether man or woman, becoming religious will probably mean a major wardrobe revision. For a woman, there is the huge step of covering hair if she is married, as well as giving up the comfort of short sleeves and pants. Many of the stores she is accustomed to patronizing will have little for her anymore. For a man, a yarmulke will make an automatic statement to everyone who sees him.

Lifestyle: The family will be giving up many of their usual pastimes. Their usual restaurants are now off-limits. For many, television, movies, secular music, many kinds of vacations and recreation, even if they are not immediately dropped, will eventually seem too incongruous with religious life.

The baal teshuva makes all of these changes, often over a relatively brief period of time. And he does it for one reason – to come closer to Hashem. But from the perspective of the religious community he is joining, he may still be seen as an outsider. Often, he is the “guest at the table.” Even if he complies with every halacha, his tastes, way of expressing himself, his frame of reference and background seem to be all wrong. And even if the family has sworn off all of secular culture, they cannot reset their brains and delete their experiences. The baal teshuvah, baalas teshuvah,and their children may therefore be deemed bad influences who, “nothing personal,” are not welcomed in certain yeshivos and communities.

The Balance
Welcoming baalei teshuvah into the Torah community and learning to value what they bring to our tables table is as important a challenge for the observant Jewish world as is kiruv itself. One cannot invite the guest for lunch only to point out the error of his ways, even if the goal is help him correct them.

For all the baal teshuva’s gaps in learning and basic Torah concepts, he has one attribute that should stir awe in the heart of any “frum-from-birth” Jew: He has the merit of having voluntarily declared a personal “na’aseh v’nishma” right here, right now, in this world. He’s not accepting the Torah because he was raised with it and cannot conceive of any other life. He is choosing it, as did every Jew at Sinai, committing to a way of life he only vaguely understands. He may not be on the educated religious Jew’s “level” of knowledge and observance, but as the Talmud points out, in his spiritual level he stands in a place where even a tzadik cannot stand.

The possibility that he may negatively influence those who are raised in a religious environment is certainly a factor that needs to be considered, but it need not be a wall-to-wall principle that determines the community’s level of tolerance and acceptance. The fact is that most people who are on the road upward are trying to grow, not drag others down. They want to learn, not corrupt.

“There’s nothing gained without giving up something,” says an Oorah volunteer. “What are we giving up? Maybe – when it comes to the unimportant or less important things -- we can’t be as exclusive as people would like to be. But look at the gain for Klal Yisrael. You’re saving people who would otherwise be lost. And each of these people is the root of a new generation. From one baal teshuvah today, you might have 50 grandchildren who will all go on to start families of their own. Who knows what they will bring into the world?”

Certainly, one must proceed with wisdom and caution. There are families in which some members may be vulnerable to harmful outside influences. There are people sincerely exploring Torah Judaism who, for a variety of reasons, have the potential to do spiritual harm. The only way to know with certainty if an individual Jew should be welcomed into one’s school or home is to discuss the situation with a Rav who knows the people involved and can make an informed judgment. A wall-to-wall “yes” is no healthier for Klal Yisrael than a wall-to-wall “no.”

A Personal Guide
To solidify the gains made in kiruv, it’s essential to get the observant Jewish world thinking about the message it sends to those who enthusiastically change their lives to join its ranks. On the other side of the equation, those in kiruv must be prepared to do what it takes to help their fellow Jews through the snags and pitfalls they will inevitably meet.

To be sure, this comprehensive involvement in kiruv is not something most individuals can undertake. But every individual can and does help create the climate that envelops a returning Jew as he moves forward in his new life. Each individual helps determine whether that climate is warm and nurturing or cold and forbidding.

Every situation certainly has its own variables that must be examined, but those factors must be viewed under proper lighting – the light of Ahavas Yisrael and true Torah values. With the right illumination, the right answers will always emerge.